The Marriage Fix Kit | Five Mistakes

Three things in here. A scorecard that tells you which of the five you are worst at, the opening line for the conversation most men get wrong, and the thirty days on one page.

Start with the scorecard. It takes about four minutes. Answer as the man you actually were this month, not the one you intend to be next month, because the second one is not married to anybody yet.

Part one

The scorecard

Fifteen statements. Rate each one honestly.

Higher is worse. Work the top one first and leave the rest alone. Trying to fix all five at once reads as a performance, and she will assume you are compensating for something.

Part two

The one line

This is the highest leverage sentence in the whole book, and it is the one men resist hardest because it sounds mechanical. Say it anyway. It stops being mechanical around the fourth time.

The next time she brings you something hard, before you say anything else:

"Do you want me to help with this, or do you just want me to hear it?"

Then do whatever she says. That is the part that matters. If she says she just wants you to hear it, you are not allowed to solve it eleven minutes later in a way you think is subtle. She will notice. It is not subtle.

Two things usually happen. The first time, she may be suspicious and ask where that came from. Say you have been thinking about it. That is true. The second or third time, she answers the question honestly, and you find out she has wanted to be heard far more often than you assumed.

Part three

Thirty days

One thing at a time, in this order. Do not skip ahead and do not announce any of it.

Week one

Ask the question

Use the line from part two and nothing else. No other changes. You are establishing that her hard things are safe with you again, which has to happen before anything else works.

Week two

Name the pause

When you feel yourself going flat in an argument, say it out loud. "I am too hot to do this well. Twenty minutes and I am coming back." Then come back. Coming back is the whole fix. A pause you never return from is just a slower exit.

Week three

Send the text, have the conversation

Text the friend you have not spoken to in two years. Separately, have one conversation with her that neither of you needed to have. No agenda, no decisions, no phones, nothing about the kids.

Week four

Pursue her on a Tuesday

One thing, unprompted, on a completely unremarkable day. It has to cost you effort rather than money. Effort is the signal. Money is the thing men substitute for the signal.

Day thirty

Be honest about what moved

Something usually does, and it is rarely the thing you expected. If nothing moved at all, that is information worth having, and it is worth more than another year of not knowing.

One more thing

Print it

This page prints onto a couple of sheets and the thirty days fits on one. Put it somewhere you will see it and she will not, at least for the first month.

Optional

Want the rest?

The kit above is yours either way. Nothing to sign up for and nothing held back.

If you want more, I send a short series of emails that go deeper on the five, including the one almost nobody sees coming, and I let you know when the next book lands.